Tainted White
by zara23
Summary: What to do when the only choice you have left is the wrong one? And how long can you fight it?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

They are all J.K.R.'s...Except for the non important ones :)

CHAPTER ONE

Hermione pressed her forehead to the cold glass of the carriage window.

'Fever. It must be.'

They captured her and didn't recognize her. Otherwise, they would have used her to get to Harry.

'No.'

The vision in her mind disturbed her. 'Don't let them get you. Get to him. Protect him.'  
She didn't know whether it was a memory or a hallucination. Blur. A few moments ago, someone picked her up from the floor,  
where she had been lying among other captives, and brought her to this carriage she was now being held prisoner in.  
'It hurts. Everything hurts.'

She remembered the man asking for a price. A price to pay to buy her.

Lights that came from outside the carriage hurt her eyes. Sounds were an agony.

'God, no. Please. It can't be. NO. I'm not thinking clear.'

She managed to whisper, ''Is it...is this Malfoy manor?''  
'Was that me?'

Jack turned around and looked at her curiously ''I'm sorry; I'm not allowed to tell you that.''

''It is, isn't it?'' Panic was taking over her.  
'Draco Malfoy bought me.'  
''Please, listen to me...you can't let him get me...please. You have to help me.'' She gasped. "Take me away from here."

He smiled '' I'm sorry.'' And he did feel sorry for the young girl. ''Master would kill me.''

She closed her eyes.  
'Find the way. The way to end it. Don't let him…'

Jack entered the study and found his master behind his desk drinking again.  
''Yes?''

'' Ms Granger, sir. She is in the Manor.''

'' In her room?''

'' Yes, master.''

'' Does she know where she is?''

'' She figured it out, and if I may add, she seemed pretty desperate when she realized whose home this is. ''

'So brave, and yet, afraid of me...and you have every reason to be, Granger. God, it feels good.'  
Draco raised an eyebrow and smiled, occupied only by one thought '' Did you leave any traces?''

''No, sir. No one even knew it was she. '' He looked at his master. He was pleased. However, Draco's expression changed as Jack continued  
'' She is not well, sir. Nasty fever. I was losing her at moments. You had better go and check.''

Draco wasn't there to catch his last words.  
'Fuck!'

He practically ran to her room, and when he entered, Hermione's body was spread across the bed, covered only with a satin sheet, that showed  
every contour of her body. Her hair on the pillow looked so alive, and for a moment, it seemed that she was sleeping peacefully. However, when her head fell to the other side, he saw sweat on her forehead, her cheeks flushed. She had trouble breathing. Hermione's eyes were half opened, but she was unaware of everything around her. She mumbled something that sounded awfully alike Harry.

''Martha?'' he yelled without taking his eyes away from Hermione.

A woman appeared immediately, coming out of the bathroom. ''Forgive me, Master, I gave the Ms a bath, I figured it would help her.''

''Did it?'' He asked.

'' It did bring the fever down a little, but she's still burning. ''

He approached the small woman and looked her in the eyes '' Martha, I need you to tell me the truth. Is she going to make it?''

Martha smiled. Young Master did not show emotions often. But it was moments like these why she loved him so much. She nodded  
'' She will get through this. She seems strong...this one''

His eyes went to Hermione again as he said, more to himself than to Martha,  
'' You have no idea.''

It was later that night that he was sitting relaxed in his living room, still fighting the images of her.  
'This is what I wanted, right? Then what the hell am I doing down here while she is in my house, helpless and at my mercy?  
Damn it, Malfoy, just go and do it. She belongs to you anyway. Besides, it is not as if she will fight you.'  
A twisted smile appeared on his beautiful face.

'She can't fight me. Not anymore. She is mine to do anything I want with. Go and take her. Go and end it. Ruin her.'

His blood started to boil under the influence of his thoughts about the girl upstairs, and the amount of alcohol he drank.

'She called his name. His fucking name.'

His eyes narrowed. He was Jealous to death.  
'She was so devoted. To... him. I will be the one to break their princess. To taint their angel. And she will love it.'

Martha jumped in her seat when she saw her Master enter the room. He stood in the doorframe, with his eyes on the sleeping girl.  
Martha knew. And felt sorry for her. She stood up and tried.  
'' Please, don't Master. She is not well.''

Draco looked at her, hunger in his eyes switching into anger.  
''Leave, woman.''

Martha was too frightened to respond with anything except leaving. She bent her head down and closed the door, leaving Hermione at his mercy.  
Draco approached the bed with his eyes never leaving her form in front of him.

'I'll be your mistake… The one you will pay for the rest of your life. He will despise you. Because of me. He will deny you.  
Because you made me fall. Made me slip. Made me want your blood. Your kind. Your fuckin skin. I'm disgusted.'

He slept with so many of them, and could have every beautiful woman there was, but he wanted this one. Only her. To own her. He wanted her to submit to him. Make her pay. To hold her here until they died. Never to let anyone see her again. He wanted her to be HIS.

No, not to love her. Just to have her.

She looked so helpless. 'So damn beautiful...so fucking perfect. So wrong.'  
He touched her lips with his thumb and closed his eyes.  
'It would be so easy. Almost too easy.'

He opened his eyes to look at the one that tormented his dreams that found the way to his mind and became an obsession that destroyed him for every other.  
'Break her. Leave. Ruin her. For him. Them. Destroy her, and send her back. A broken flower. Tainted white. Do it. '

'Soon.'

She heard footsteps moving away, a door opening and closing, and when she was sure that she was alone, Hermione curled up on the bed and started sobbing.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

CHAPTER TWO

When she woke up, it was an early afternoon. She found a woman sitting next to her bed.

A movement of Hermione's body got her attention, and the woman looked at her, almost scared.

Hermione remembered. Malfoy. She closed her eyes, and turned her head away from the woman.

''Ms...are you all right?'' Martha asked. She didn't know what happened last night.  
She reached to touch her, and Hermione somehow managed to make her sore body shake the woman's hands off.

''Don't...touch me!''

''I'm sorry...I just wanted to see...''

Hermione looked at her ''What? Am I alive? Am I ready to be sacrificed to The Great Lord Of The Fools? Because you can tell your MASTER, I would rather die than betray Harry. Go, call him up...he can come and finish me. I'm sure his Lord'' at that, she smiled as if she was making fun of the name ''will award him.''

Martha looked at her.  
''I guess you are fine.''

Hermione was furious  
'' Fine? I am at the Malfoy Manor, and you think I am FINE…Call him.''

''I must inform you that Master is not present at the moment, but you should feel free to take a shower, put on your clothes and have lunch, or use the library. He will be back tonight.'' Martha rose up from the chair and headed towards the door. '' And make no attempt to escape.'' She smiled. '' It is useless...Oh, and the clothes in the closet are yours. Choose what you like. It should all fit you.''

With that, she closed the door, leaving a furious Hermione behind her.

She ran to the window, and pulled at it desperately, tried to break the glass ... she slammed her fists to the heavy wooden door ...Nothing. Everything remained silent and motionless. Moreover, she was tired and worried. It's been three days since she last saw Harry and Ron. They didn't know where she was whether she was alive or not.  
'Were they alive?'

She had no fear for herself at least not now. She was too angry.

As her fury started to calm down, first traces of fear showed their face. She had no wand and no strength. She realized she didn't stand a chance.  
She was alone at the manor waiting for him to show up, and decide.  
Hermione needed it to be fast and to end. Whatever it was that was going to happen.  
'Just come and do it, Malfoy. Come.'

She closed her eyes. She did not expect a knock at her door so fast.  
'A knock?'

She went to the door and opened it.

Martha.

''Master wants you to join him for dinner. ''

The anger was back again.

She pushed a stunned Martha to the side and practically ran down, seeking the dining room door. Ah, yes... expensive enough to match a price of a smaller house. There they were. She pushed them open and her eyes locked on the familiar face. A cold face. Images, flashes of events, humiliation, hate, pain...mudblood...Malfoy.

'' Is this one of your twisted games?''  
She asked coolly while approaching the table.

He said leisurely  
'' Sit down Granger.''  
The tone of his voice made her. Sit down.  
''This is how you Muggles respond to a kind gesture?" He said, while rising up.

''Was it a good day, today?''  
She tried to remain calm. As he was.  
'' How many have you killed today, Malfoy? How many innocent?''  
She figured it would be wise to stop there but she could not make herself stop.  
''How do you sleep at night knowing what you are? A heartless, cold-blooded killer? ''

Why was he letting her continue?

''Is it worth it?'' She tried. However, he didn't react.

'React, you monster. Wake up and do something. Wake up and end it. End me because I cannot know. What did you do to him?'  
Thoughts were running through her waken mind.

''TELL ME IS IT WORTH IT? WAKING UP AND KNOWING THAT THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE LEFT IS THAT SICK PERSON YOU CALL YOUR LORD? ''

But breathing hard he just looked at her.

'' IS THAT WHY I AM HERE? HE ORDERED YOU TO GET ME? YOU THINK I WILL BETRAY HARRY?''

His jaw clenched.

''Oh, I did get your attention? Splendid now, listen. There is no curse in the world that will make me do it. So, save your time and just kill me now.'' She challenged.

''Nothing is more important than Harry Potter, is it?''

He was just a step away from her seat.

'Good. Still predictable, Malfoy.'

The inside of his mind was fighting his own battle.  
'How dare you, you low creature...look at me like that? Don't you know that you are nothing? Make her see, that she is nothing...  
that she is not strong as she thinks she is. Make her fall, as you did. Make her weak. Show her that you can.'

It wasn't comfortable, sitting and feeling him somewhere behind her.

'' No, nothing is more important than Harry Potter. '' She said slowly.

'Not for long, Granger.' He thought and said, '' You are willing to give your life for him?''

''Yes, so why don't you take it already?''  
Her words sounded much braver than she felt at the moment.

How do you stay brave when you know you have only moments left to live? And it's not death itself that scared her.  
It was that feeling that she will not see Ron and Harry again. She won't be able to hug them, to laugh at Ron's stupid jokes,  
she won't know, whether Harry killed Voldemort...She won't be there to see them all grown up, married and...happy.

'' What if I told you, that we informed our famous hero, that you were captured, and…let say, we told him that you will be released,  
but only when he comes, and gives in. What do you think, did he agree to trade places with you? ''

He looked pleased. Yes, he won.

Horror was, rising inside her, taking over all of her senses,mixing with her blood.  
'Yes, that was something Harry would do. Let his heart lead.'

'' What do you think, Granger? Did he come? If he did, is he alive? On the other hand, is he still being tortured?  
Tell me, can you think of the amount of pain he's in? Enough to make him lose his mind? ''

Her bottom lip started to tremble. But he couldn't see it. He was still standing behind her. Still above her.  
She rose up and turned to face him. He gave her one of his 'I'm so disgusted with a creature of your kind.' sneers.

'' Are those tears in the eyes of Hermione Granger? So, you can die for him, but are not brave enough to listen to what happened to the golden boy?  
Do you think he screamed? How strong has to be the pain to make Harry Potter beg? ''

Draco laughed, and her blood froze.

Something in that laughter was so cold...so...  
'It can't be it can't be the truth..., please, doesn't let it be the truth.'

Hermione started to cry, on the inside. She started to mourn him. Her friend, her brother. Her rock. Nothing could go wrong when he was around.  
'Now? Was he...? Dead? 'She had to take better care of him. She had to protect him from pain. And she failed.

Her tears spilled. Together with the words  
'' HE DID NOT BEG. HE WOULD NEVER BEG. HE IS NOT A SMALL CREATURE LIKE YOU ARE. HE IS A MAN, MALFOY. A MAN YOU WILL NEVER BE. ''

And the bitter laughter again.

'' Touching...really. I expected no less from you, Mudblood. So sad, though, that your screaming could not help him.  
Tell me, how you will sleep at night knowing, that you are a reason Harry Potter is dead?''

He did not catch her move. Her fingers had been tapping over the table, trying to find a knife. A brief moment and a sharp metal flashed; matching a flash in his silver eyes...she stabbed him. Just above his heart. If he had one. Into his left shoulder.

The rest of it was a blur.

He remembered Jack and Martha rushing in. Jack caught her, tightly holding her, and she looked at Draco.

He was stunned. For the first time in his life, Draco saw PAIN as if it had been materialized in front of him. It was forming in her eyes and running down her cheeks. For the first time in his life, he heard what PAIN must sound like. He heard it from Hermione Granger's mouth, as she spoke, no, promised  
'' I will kill you. If he is…" and her voice broke; she was not able to even say it. ''No Lord will save you. I... Will kill you. ''

That's when the darkness came in.

A/N hope you like it...please review


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

CHAPTER THREE

It was a sleepless night that followed for both of them.

Hermione was lying on the floor where she fell when Jack pushed her in the room. Her body was trembling. 'Was it that cold?'

His words were coming after her...

It was her fault. If Harry was dead, he died because of her. And she was not worth it. Hermione never thought that she would cause him any pain.  
She loved him far too much to ever think that she would hurt him in any way.  
'Was he telling the truth? Was Harry ...was he...?'

''No, no, no...Please...I could not, I could not survive it, and I don't know how to live...without him. Please...anything but this... Not him...''

She sobbed. Pain was splitting her head, her heart, her lungs...it was too hard. Too hard to live. To sleep. To be awake.

Stupid. She was stupid for letting them catch her. Stupid.

That was not the only regret she had. She was sorry for not aiming better, for not killing the bastard. ''Next time… I will not miss.'' 

Draco Malfoy was lying in his bed, restless. He was healed almost immediately. But a slight fever remained.

A scar will probably remain as well, to remind him, never to underestimate a Muggleborn. Never to underestimate the love and pain of a woman.  
'Be ware of the hate. Try to ignore her beauty and the beauty of her tears. Don't admire her nerve. Do not desire her passion.'

A careful knock disturbed his inner monologue.  
'' Yes.''

Jack entered the room carrying a bottle.  
''It is time to take your potion, sir. ''

''Leave it.''  
Draco said, half lying, with a stack of pillows supporting his back.  
'' I'll take it later.''  
He turned his head to face Jack and spoke again  
''How is she?''

Jack hesitated. He was not sure what was it that made his Master let her live, after what she had done.  
'Yes, she was beautiful. However, so were many others, who wouldn't try to take his life.

''Jack?''

'' I'm sorry sir. She hasn't moved since being brought back to her room. '' His Master just nodded, and Jack continued  
'' Forgive me, sir, but... what do we do next?''

Draco looked at him and said  
'' We continue as we planed. Nothing has changed. This is still the only way. '' 

''But, sir...'' Jack started

''No buts Jack. She is not a treat to me. She just...caught me off guard. It will not happen again. ''  
He paused and looked at the older man. He saw suspicion and worry playing over his face  
''Jack, I do hope I can trust you. Be careful. No one can know about her. Not even suspect.''

Jack nodded and added quietly, looking at his feet,  
'' I would cut my tongue off before telling, sir. You know that. It's just...We are worried, Martha and I. Ms Granger is hurt and feels like she has no reason to live, thinking that she caused a death of a beloved person... '' He raised his head to look at Draco and continued ''A desperate woman is capable of anything. She's a step in front of you, Master."

'' I'm willing to take the risk. '' Draco responded, dismissing Jack.

But the loyal man spoke again   
''Master...''  
and Draco just looked at him. It was enough to stop him.  
'' As you wish.'' With that he closed the door.

Now alone, Draco could not help it. He remembered it again.

Her tears in those damn warm eyes. Warmer than anything he saw ...for the last two years, at least. He never saw her cry. He didn't know she could. He knew for sure that she witnessed some of her friends die...he also knew for sure that she didn't cry. Hermione Granger did not cry.

'Except for him...She can't stand him being hurt... It's only his pain that gets to her...Well, prepare to cry some more, Granger... Be ready to live in hell and die of sorrow... I will break you. You will be the one who killed him. The one who killed everything inside him...I will lead you into it. The day will come. I promise.'

Martha entered Hermione's room silently, afraid that she might wake her. Unlike Jack, she didn't think that the incident was the girl's fault.  
She understood.

She found Hermione sitting at the window ledge, with her knees up to her chest, and her arms around them...She was staring through the window.  
The moonlight reflected of the wet traces on her cheeks.  
'Poor thing. She must be suffering.' Martha felt sorry for her.

''You didn't have to come.'' The girl said quietly.  
'' I have no where to run. Even if I could, with him dead...I have no where to run.'' 

Martha had no strength to speak.Just listened.

'' I would give everything to go back, when we were kids. When we didn't understand. When we were laughing. When he was there, next to me.   
While I was doing his homework. '' She smiled through her tears.   
'' I would give whatever it takes to go back to that world, even if it was just for a second. To feel safe. To escape this one. The one that forces you to kill at the age of seventeen. Kill to survive...And then offers you a shelter. One person...''

She turned her head to face Martha and whispered  
'' He is so special. Always has been. ''

''You loved him very much...''

'' He left me no choice but to love him. He made it so easy. I had to. We had to. ''

''I'm so sorry, Ms.''

Hermione got up of the ledge and looked at Martha.  
''How much do you love your Master?''

Martha didn't expect her to talk about Draco that calmly.  
'' Very.''

'' Tell him he had better kill me soon. Or start counting his days. I will find a way. Tell him.''  
She sounded like a demented person. Cold and heartless. She looked like one, too.

'' Mr. Potter might not be dead.''  
A desperate try of a woman afraid for the life of a loved one. But she got Hermione's attention.

''Trying to save him, aren't you? Why? Can't you see what he is?''

'' I'm only telling you what he said. Your friend might not be dead. I know what Master is, and why. You are the one who can't see farther than his acts. ''

'' Yes, I can. And, I tried. But the emptiness I saw so many times, made me give up. He is a cold monster. Like his father was.''

Martha shook her head.  
''You didn't look deep enough. I am telling you the truth.''

Hermione narrowed her eyes. The woman was trying to tell her something.  
'' You know something, don't you? '' 

Martha looked away.  
''About?''

Hermione felt life waking her body up.  
''Harry. You know where he is.''

Martha sill refused to look at her.  
'' I am sorry, that is a subject I can't talk about.''

'Damn it.' Hermione thought. Then she asked  
''He's alive?''

The woman looked at her and Hermione saw a nod. A split second. Just a tiny movement.  
Was that a yes?   
''I would love to help you Ms, but you must understand. I can't.''  
She said and raised her eyebrows, just a little. But enough. It was a yes.

Hermione wanted to laugh. But she just said ''I do. '' Then added ''Thank you.''

There...please review.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

CHAPTER FOUR

Hermione was much calmer after she realized that it was all some kind of a scam. Trying to cause her pain, he tricked her into believing that Harry was dead.  
Of course he wasn't. Wouldn't Voldemort kill her as well already?

She was wondering day after day what the reason that he kept her here was. She almost didn't see him after that night she stabbed him. 

Well, Hermione tried to forget...she ran into him one night, when she was going back to her room from the library. It was around 2 am...and, he was obviously just coming back home. It was raining, much like today. He scared her, surprised her behind a corner...and she bumped into him. He grabbed her waist and kept her from falling. It was most certainly a reflex reaction.

'It was that damned night.'

His eyes scared her. Those few seconds that she got to look inside him. A husky whisper…"Lock your bedroom door tonight. Lock it well.'' With that, he pressed her body to the wall of stone and closed his eyes. He said, ''Go.'' Before he turned and walked away.

It was only when she climbed into her bed that she realized...his body was burning...her skin was still hot where he held her.  
She did not expect Draco Malfoy to be warm...

She had to wash her skin...to rub his touch off. It was burning. 'Wash it before it gets under.'

Hermione entered her bathroom and ran to the sink. She couldn't look at her reflection before she washed it. Before she washed his touch from her arms. 'Wash it ...faster…' The water was hot...and the towel was not rough enough, to make it go away.  
''Get off...get off of me...'' she squeezed through her teeth.

It was then that she raised her head and looked at the girl in the mirror. She was shaking. There was...''Blood?'', on her nightgown. 'Mine or his?' Her forearms were red from scrubbing, but there was no blood. 'His...he's bleeding.'

Hermione Granger failed that moment. Made the biggest mistake of her life. She was not fast enough.

She recognized concern on her own face in the mirror. Even if she was not letting herself feel it, her face was showing her.  
That she was not fast enough.

She cared. 

Martha entered the bathroom, and stopped in front of a sick person. She looked at the girl, her wet gown, white tainted with blood. Then she saw her arms with bruised skin and fingers griping the towel... ''What have you done to yourself child...What do I do with you? With both of you'' She said and approached the girl. Hermione let her lead and sit her down at the bed. Martha was crying, while moving Hermione's hair from her face.'' You have to change your clothes.''

''Martha?''

The woman looked at her and Hermione noticed that her face aged over night. 

''Was it a battle?''

Martha shook her head.

'' Who did it to him?''

''I cannot tell you...Please, he'll know if I say it. Don't ask me that.''

'' Ok. Was it someone from my side?''

Martha shook her head again and the tears ran faster.

'' Voldemort?''

The woman looked at her.

''Why?''

''Please, Ms...I can't.'' 

''I understand. Just tell me...'' and then the words neither of them expected to hear ''How is he?''

Martha said, ''He'll recover.''

Hermione raised her arms and allowed Martha to take her clothes off. The silk hurt her skin as it passed over her forearms. The woman walked to the drawer and pulled the other nightgown out. Hermione felt the cool material over her face, as Martha dressed her. She never noticed the scent before. The scent all the clothes that were chosen for her had.

She felt weakness in her stomach. 'No'. It was his. The scent she smelt when he grabbed her. In addition, she didn't wash it...she couldn't.  
She was wrapped in it now.

'' Did he send you to lock me in? He said I should lock my door tonight. Why, Martha?''

''I…" Martha closed her eyes, and decided, '' I guess he can't trust himself tonight.''

Hermione was not stupid. She knew what it meant.

'' He cannot be here. Does not even come home any more...he's out somewhere...and comes back late at night. '' Martha raised her head '' And then he drinks and comes here to your room every night. Then he just looks at you and leaves before the dawn. '' Martha sat down at the bed slowly...she loved her master far too much to watch him hurt. ''He suffers. Jack, and me, we do not know how to help him. He just pushes us away. He barely even talks. He has changed so much... I cannot recognize my boy anymore.'' Her voice broke.

Hermione got closer to her. She touched her face, her tears, tears that were falling for Draco Malfoy...Another mistake.  
They were wet, and warm...like the ones she cried for Harry.

What was she getting herself into?  
Where was she falling ?  
Who for?

Martha cupped the hand on her cheek and whispered. ''You have to help me, Ms.'' 

'What? Can't you see what I am? How could I help anyone?' Hermione pulled her hand away.  
''No.'' She shook her head. '' Leave and lock the door.''

She saw a plea in her eyes, but she couldn't make herself care.  
'No. I don't care. It's Malfoy. It's not true. Even if it was, why should I? His kind always ends up on top in the end.  
I don't care. It felt wrong. Why, why do I...care? Why couldn't I stop?  
How could I? How could I fail so badly? You have made So many mistakes, Hermione. Why did you let him get under your skin? Where were your guards?  
What happened to the walls? Why were they not high enough? How could you be so careless?'

The night Hermione Granger lost the first tiny piece of her loyalty was a stormy one. Rain was falling heavily. There were no stars to show her the right way.  
Only the moon...and it was only there to make her see her reflection in the mirror. To show what she has done. A night with no name. Easy to forget.  
She didn't know it then. She didn't want to know it. It was easier to pretend that a night of tears, blood, pain, silk, mistakes, did not happen... 

Forget the eyes, the touch, and the voice...the scent.

But...those eyes were piercing through her in her sleep.

The touch was still burning her skin. She felt it. 

The voice...was coming back to haunt her...and made her tremble.

The scent was … numbing her mind...She was drowning in it. In addition, the silk she was wearing only made it harder to swim out to reach the surface.  
It was pulling her to the bottom.

Somewhere in the depth of her unconscious mind, Hermione knew...It would never be the same again. She will pay until the rest of her life to the one or the other side of her heart. Now divided, it hurt her more than ever, but if anyone had a mind strong enough to ignore it, it was Hermione Granger. Therefore, she did. 


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE

Days had no name, no number...and no colors, nothing that would distinguish them from each other.

If it were not for Martha, Hermione would probably already be insane and talking to herself.  
Martha made it easier, not to think.

Harry was on her mind daily. So was Ron. She knew they must be worried sick.

''Martha, please...they do not have to know who sent it. You write it. Just tell them that I am alive. They will go insane...  
I have been missing for ...for how long?''

''Two months...Don't make me do it. I can't help you.''

'Two?'

''I do understand, I truly do...but ...if they could just know...'' and she stopped.

'If they knew what, Hermione? That you have spent two months under his roof, and made no serious attempt to escape? Would he believe you? Would Harry believe that Malfoy left you intact? For two months…sixty nights? Would you tell him who has been haunting your dreams, waking you up sweaty and breathless at nights? Would you confess? Or, would you lie to him?

You would lie to Harry. Because, how could you tell him the truth when you can't even confess to yourself.  
He would turn his back on you. Would you survive it? Him denying you? No you wouldn't, you know there would be no life with him despising you.

You failed Hermione. The one thing you were not supposed to do.

Do you still want him to know that you are alive? Alive at the Malfoy Manor. Or do you think he would rather have you dead?'

Martha interrupted her thoughts. '' Ms, Ms there is no need...no use to...to send him a message.''

Her stomach flipped. Heart stopped. Knees almost gave out. "Wh…"

Martha looked at her, with tears in her eyes and handed out The Prophet.  
Hermione stepped back, looking at the papers as if they were plagued.  
Her fists folded on her chest. '' You are lying! He made you lie to me!'' 

Martha just offered the papers once more. Just lifted them up a notch.  
" No one knows where Mr. Potter is. Lost after the battle, there is still a chance…"

Hermione shook her head violently ''Ron?'' Her voice was already wet with tears.

Martha remained silent.

Then the pain came again.

''NO! No, no...no ...no...''

Hermione grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her. ''Where is he?''

''He is not at the Manor...He'll come...''

Hermione whispered ''...tonight. ''

She'll be awake. She'll wait.

A whole day of crying left her exhausted. She was curled up on the chair by the windowHow did they get to this place? When did they lose their childhood? Ron, Ron, Ron...sweet and funny and ...devoted.   
She whished that she could see that brilliant smile again. Touch his hair. She wanted to hug them both and go wherever they were.  
Why didn't they take her with them? She would rather be dead than left alive behind without them.

She had no strength to fight. She has mourned them both...Harry...she lost twice. Hermione was destroyed.  
When Malfoy comes, she will just give in, he will take her to his Lord, and they will all glare. They will tell her things to make her suffer more.

What if Harry was alive...captured and brought to Voldemort? They will use her to cause him pain.  
They will use her to break him, to make him fall down on his knees...in front of that scum.

She heard the door open. Hermione said goodbye to everything she once had.  
To everything, she loved and she waited for him to come closer.

When he reached about half of their distance, she got up. He stopped, and waited.

She walked slowly towards him, and when she was just a few steps away, she raised her arms so that her palms clasped together,  
somewhere in front of his chest. Without taking her eyes away from his, she said  
'' You won. Here. Take me. Take me to your Lord. Do whatever you have to do. You left me with no reason to live. ''

The silence was so heavy so loud…So present and Consuming.

She watched his face. Cold face. A Beautiful face…Angelic .  
White, tainted with hate. Flashes of humiliation, pain... and the word Mudblood went through her mind.

She saw shoulders, broad...to protect or crush you.  
She watched hands reaching for hers...Fingers long...to caress you or pull your heart out and squash it.  
She needed...comfort.

He looked at her face taking her in.

The beauty of her tears.

Sorrow looked so good on her. He was finally there. It turned out the way he planed it. She was broken...  
and he was about to pick up the pieces...and glue them back together, just the way he wanted it and then she will belong to him only to him.  
She will not be able to run away, she will have no choice other than the wrong one. She will have to stay.   
After this night, she will have nowhere to go. His blood was boiling...but he had to go slow...This was the battle he already won...  
all he had to do now was take the award...Never in his life he wanted something so badly as he wanted to take her...now. 

He untangled her fingers, one by one...slowly.

The touch...that touch...made the breathing heavier, louder...so present...consuming. It made the air warmer, mouth drier. Pain stronger.  
That touch made the world disappear; both their worlds.

Those eyes, damn silver eyes...unreadable, were getting closer, deeper... She will slip...she will sink; she knew it, so she just breathed out "…kill me."

And he did, with the touch of his lips on hers...It was the most painful death she could imagine because she responded. Every movement of his body made a little piece of her soul die. Every stroke of his tongue against hers made it impossible to go back. She had no one to return to and no reason to go back.  
Nothing.

His lips were soft. Warm. His kisses were sensual, slow...tormenting…so wrong...

She let the pain lead her, when she unbuttoned his shirt and pealed it off. Skin...that skin she dreamt about...The skin that was calling her palms to roam over it. She let them.

He closed his eyes for a split second and, afraid that she might disappear if he did not watch her, he held her forearms...touched the skin that had already bruised with his touch once.

She found scars...and leaned in to kiss them...  
His grip tightened...as he closed his eyes again. He felt her fingers undoing his belt, and then his pants...she pushed them over his hips...enough to make them fall down...He wanted to push her against the wall, and just...take her. All his instincts were telling him to, but he had to fight them. He could not risk it. 

He lifted her up and carried her to the bed and she felt safe.  
When he laid her down, she felt safe. When he got on top of her, she felt safe. When he pulled her nightgown up her thighs, to her waist, she lifted her upper body a bit to help him...bare her to his eyes.

'So beautiful... amazing… pure.'

The silk underneath her was cold...unlike the silk atop of her...  
But when he started to kiss her, again it made no difference.

The kisses deepened, traveled down her throat, her chin, to his earlobe...Touches were burning through them both...burning into the flesh leaving scars.

She let him do everything...everything he wanted.

Her head fell to her right as he entered her...and the physical pain he caused met the other one. The one she felt when she saw the dark mark on his left arm. White tainted. The mark she fought so hard against. The mark that killed so many ... the mark that symbolized materialized evil and she gave in to a man who was one of them.

He was gentle. He was everything he was not supposed to be. The pain was ripping her body...but she did not care. She welcomed the physical pain...that one will go away. The one that was splitting her soul was there to stay forever.

She needed him to hurt her ...

Because the aching body was making her forget her crushed heart.  
One pain was making the other go away.

Then the pain started to change...into weakening pleasure...and she started to cry.

He knew how to do it...what places to touch, how to kiss her, caress...what sounds to make to show her that she left him helpless lost inside her. He was slowly speeding up, making the pleasure present, more intense...making the tears run faster.

Draco was watching her tears, brilliant...as she was. He knew why she was crying. Because he made her feel it, he made her see it. They were perfect together and he couldn't help it but to leave her lips and kiss her tears...taste them. It only made him want her more...it made it harder to hold back. So he reached down to the back of her thigh and raised her leg around his waist...he got deeper...deeper into the heat.

In a split second, he knew, there was no turning back for him either.

He felt her arch and stiff under his weight and her crying became louder...with one last thrust he let himself go...Draco pressed his forehead to her temple as he still gently moved inside of her, relishing the feel and the sound and the taste of her.

It was...unreal. She could not be compared to anything before...because everything before that night vanished.

Tonight, she will let him hold her because she needed a human touch.  
Tomorrow, she will want to disappear...trash the mirrors so that she can't see what she's become.

AN Please leave your reviews. I neeed them


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX

Hermione woke up early...the sun wasn't fully up yet.

She woke up wrapped up in an embrace, his embrace. 

'Malfoy.'

Her skin hurt...wherever it touched his.

She had to move...had to move away. She had to run. 

Hermione didn't want to wake him. She didn't want to face him. Ever. So she got up slowly...fighting the nausea...When her bare feet touched the floor, it wasn't soft carpet that welcomed them. She stood on the papers...She looked down and saw Harry and Ron's picture...and the letters she was not able to connect...Ron was gone...for good. Harry…probably him too...She knew it. They didn't want to make it official in fear of the panic...but she knew.

Her stomach contracted. She was about to throw up. They were looking at her...now, after she...after she...her throat tightened, her mouth filled with water...and she thought she wouldn't make it to the bathroom...

Martha quietly entered Hermione's room, as she did every morning, to check on her...The sight of her master sleeping in Hermione's bed startled her. She stopped. She was about to get out when she heard sounds from the bathroom...muffled sobs. Martha hurried to the bathroom and found her there, on the floor. Looking worse than ever. Exhausted. Spent.

She closed the door and got down on her knees in front of Hermione. The girl was sitting on the floor, with her cheek pressed to the cold marble wall. Strands of her rich hair around her face were wet from sweat, tears...water. She was breathing fast.

Martha didn't want to believe he would do that,...but she had to ask.  
'' Ms, what ...what happened?''

Hermione just looked at her, slowly...with her eyelids so heavy.

''Did he ...hurt you?'' 

'Go on, Hermione...tell her he didn't hurt you as much as you needed him to.  
Tell her ...you wanted it.'  
Hermione just shook her head lightly, with her temple still touching the wall

''But, what...''

'Tell her, Hermione...say it.' ''I let him.''  
'Tell her he was gentle. Tell her you loved it.' 

If she could only get inside that, wall and stay there. 

Martha couldn't understand...what it was between them. She just couldn't...she didn't know whether he loved her or hated her. The nights he would come to her room, with one intention only, and then leave after fighting the desire inside him...leaving her intact... If he loved her...why did he do all this...why hurt her? Hermione was an even greater mystery...she tried to kill him, she promised she would...and then somehow, this...why?

Martha helped her up and guided her to the tub...She let the water run and Hermione started to shiver...She reached for the pipe and adjusted it.…It wasn't hot enough. It will never be hot enough to wash him off her. He was on the inside now.

What have you done Hermione? What have you done...what were you thinking…'

Her head that was resting on the edge of the tub fell to her right...like last night...She closed her eyes to block the memory, but it only made it look more real. His left arm on the pillows next to her head. And the mark. The dark mark on his flawless skin. And the pain.  
''Is there someplace I can go?''

''What do you mean?''

'' Somewhere at the manor...anywhere but here.'' 'I can't see him.' 

''If he wants to see you, Ms, he will.''

''Please...'' 

Martha helped her out and dried her skin with a warmed towel Nothing was soft enough. Nothing, after she'd felt the texture of his skin.

''I'll take you to my room...you can rest there until he asks for you.'' 

Draco opened his eyes slowly. He remembered everything that had happened in that same second. He will remember it till the day he died. How could he forget?  
It was like she trapped all of his senses...he remembered how weak he felt in the moment that he joined their bodies...and the deeper he got, the more the weakness grew stronger...he couldn't deny her anything. He remembered her lips...perfect filthy lips...her tears...so sweet...He remembered her… everything about her. And he was ...taken.

Draco placed his hands into his hair...'Is this what you wanted? Is it really? Didn't you want to hurt her, Malfoy? I thought you wanted to hurt her...destroy her. And last night, last night was the gentlest night in your life...you never cared before...about the one underneath you...You never cared, except for last night...Why was that Malfoy? She was there for you to crush her. Why didn't you?' 

He shook his head and looked around.

She was not in the room.

He smiled. ''...stupid girl… You can't run away from me. You will never run away...''

He entered the library... '' Hiding? You are avoiding me...Why, Granger? You can't face me? What are you ashamed of? Hmm What? ''

The only answer he got was silence and not wanting to be ignored he pressed on.  
'' You don't know the answer? Hermione Granger does not know the answer. Do you want me to say it for you?''

She turned to face him. She couldn't...how could she ignore him? ''Stay away from me...I don't want you near.''

'' Why? You think you would slip again if I got any closer to you?''  
He said walking towards her. Slowly, watching her...she was even more beautiful now that she was his.

'' It was a mistake.'' And she took a step back.

But he followed her.  
'' You think? Did it really feel wrong, Granger?'' he asked...now only inches away. '' When I touched you?''  
And he looked down her body...remembering. 

'You know it didn't, Hermione.'

'' It did.'' She responded.

'' And if I touched you again'' with that he traced the side of her right arm up with the knuckle of his index finger...his eyes locked on hers...''...would you let me do it all over?''

''No! '' She tried to move away but his body kept her pressed to the wall.

He only had his pajama bottoms on. She could feel his muscles tightening and the heat radiating off of him; and the scent of last night they had created together was all over him.

Her breathing got shallow as he whispered the words into the side of her neck.  
''Would you let me fuck you again?''

Hermione kept silent terrified of what her answer would be.

'' I think you would...because you need me. You need me to fill the emptiness you feel...And since you have let me be your first...you will most certainly let me do it again……" His words were stabbing her heart...each of them went deeper...Because he was telling the truth...the truth she knew. He was reading her mind when he said ''You let Draco Malfoy, the notorious Death Eater take your innocence away. What would he say if he knew it, Granger? What would Harry Potter say...?'' And then he ripped her soul by saying '' Even if he is alive, you lost him. And you didn't even get me in return. You only let me fuck you. And I did. ''

With that he backed away from her and turned to leave.

Her voice stopped him  
''I hate you...I hate you so much…So much that it's eating me up. So much that it makes me feel sorry for you. Pity you. I despise you...''

He turned around and looked at her. Then laughed...'' No you don't. You wish you could...but you don't.'' 

He started to walk back to her. ''Wouldn't it be easier that way...if you could hate me? If you could say I forced you? ''

She pushed him away and tried to run...but she slipped on the polished wooden floor...and started falling, when he caught her and pulled her forcefully to his body. He grabbed the back of her head, and made her look at him. ''I didn't even have to try...''

She closed her eyes. 'Stop it...please...stop'

'' I killed some of your friends, Granger. I destroyed so many lives you cared about. Maybe I even killed Weasley.''

Her eyes snapped open. 'God, no...god...please...He's playing with my mind'

The horror in her eyes amused him. It felt good. So good...' cry Mudblood...let the tears run...so foolish, so weak.'

'' And you kissed me, last night...you undressed me...you invited me. You let me fuck you and you loved it...that's why you cried. Won't you cry again? '' and kissed her roughly...

She felt like throwing up again. But fought against it...Hermione wanted to hurt him...as much as he hurt her.  
More.  
She had to hurt him more.

He felt her teeth sinking into his bottom lip...So hard...brutal, savage...and he tasted blood his blood.  
She didn't know what she was doing. If she knew, she would have stopped.

She made him want her more; slamming her body to the wall...He touched the wound and looked at his fingers covered in blood then looked at her...with an expression of pure anger on his face. He read hate off of hers. He read pain. He read joy.

When he stepped closer she surprised him again...in a blink of an eye her fingernails scratched down his throat and chest until he managed to capture her arms...and then he saw blood on her lip...his pure red blood on her filthy lip. It was the most erotic sight. He kissed her again...willing to risk another bite. He had to. She was making him do it...

Hermione fought in his arms...trying to push him away...she was too weak. But she managed to break the kiss to say

''What about you Malfoy? I could take your miserable life without a blink of my eye. You proved that you could not do the same...because you have the power to kill me and yet, I'm still alive. You know why? Do you know why you come to my room every night and leave without hurting me? Because you can't make yourself do it...because it scares you...because you desire me...a mudblood. And you don't know how to handle it...

Out of all the others...you are thirsty for me. '' She spat out...''It's sickening...isn't it…lusting after a low creature like me...for so long. How long, Malfoy?''

Draco actually admired her. At that moment...she had nerve.

She continued  
''I was pure before you touched me. Now because of you I'm the filth you always considered me to be…… And even if Harry is alive...I will never show my face in front of him...because I don't deserve him anymore. I don't deserve to love him anymore...but he will always...ALWAYS be the greatest love of my life…alive or dead. ''

He didn't recognize the feeling that suddenly wrapped around his heart.

How strong it had to be. Her love...her respect, and her admiration...for Harry Potter…"Pity he won't love you back.'' And he pushed her from him.

She laughed at his face…a sad, bitter laugh...'' He will...only he won't be able to look at me...but even I am not able to look at myself. He will love me back...because that's who he is. I wish he wouldn't ...because that way...it wouldn't hurt him...'' Her head fell to her chest.

Draco couldn't tell, he couldn't tell how he felt...So he turned and walked away...he wanted to run away...away from her, because she ...she made him lose control...in so many ways and so little time that it was...frightening.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN

He could not run far enough...never far enough from her.  
She was everywhere...whenever he would close his eyes...it would come back. Everything would come back.  
He did not mind the images...it was the feeling connected to them that bothered him. 

This was not supposed to happen.  
How did it happen?  
How did she do it?  
What spell did she use?

'You are thirsty for me.'

He ran where he would always run. To his study...to the leather armchair...and then he would reach for the bottle.

He will make her go away. He always does...

However, there was something different this evening...she was not only in his mind anymore.  
She was everywhere around him and what was worst and most terrifying...she was inside of him.  
How could he fight it? What was he supposed to do to make her go away?

'Can't you just hate her Malfoy? Hate her loyalty! Her damn blind devotion?  
And that thing that scares you the most, can't you hate the love...the unconditional love she has for him? '

The grip on the crystal glass tightened and it broke; as if it were made of ice...

He looked at it...the blood ruining the beauty of the transparent delicate cuts.

It made no sense to him. There was no pain. Nothing just blood.  
Where was the pain?

Ah, there it is...standing in front of him dressed in white, with her skin glowing. So damn beautiful it hurt.  
Was it an image or not? He could not tell...

Then she moved…forward. He got up...still not sure.

Was it, was it her?

He walked, slowly...to her, to make sure, and she followed him with her eyes.

How much did he drink, anyway? He reached out and touched her shoulder…  
'Skin? Why is she here? Wasn't today enough to make her stay away from me? Why?'

He let one curl of her hair capture his finger...and they both looked at it, until he brought his hand up to her face,  
and traced her lips with his thumb...suddenly so helpless in front of her Draco lowered his head down, and let the low voice out  
' Why did you come? Why do you do this to me? Why do you make me do this? ' He whispered to her lips before he kissed her...

A deep thorough kiss.

Different.

Demanding.

Possessive.

A kiss of a man who let his guards down, too weak to fight himself.

A kiss of a man who let his deprived body, mind and soul feed on her. Then die, or live...it didn't matter.

She was here...now.

She was his.

A small part of his conscious mind knew that this was a drug and a stupid line that all addicts used  
' this is the last time, I can stop whenever I want.' crossed his mind but she kissed him back;  
she let her tongue fight with his...

Just a thirsty, hungry...kiss.

She moaned into his mouth and he knew he could not stop. He could never stop. He would rather kill himself than let this be the last time.

He walked forward, lightly pushing her...to the closest thing with a hard surface...anything, to trap her.

A bookshelf.

His arms pressed to it, from his palms to the elbows, on either side of her head.  
He leaned in, brushed his lips over the gentle skin of her shoulder, where it met the indent of her neck;  
where he knew was one of her sensitive spots. He was so hard...so desperate to get inside her.  
Maybe then, he could forget. Pretend it was someone else that was taking all of him instead of the mudblood.  
Maybe if he had her again, he would have enough...Maybe then, he would be free. Free of her, free of the burning lust for her  
that was haunting him day and night. 

Maybe.

He pressed himself against her. To let her feel it...feel what she's done to him...so easily...  
And the contact with her warm body made it worse. Made him need her more. Made him mad with desire.  
He looked at her...wanted to show her with no words, only his eyes...how much he wanted her.  
He wanted to scare her. Scare her away. He wanted her to know but could not confess aloud. He would never confess.

Her eyes were closed...lost in sensations he caused only with little movements of his body against hers.  
Her lips parted, with short intakes of breath...how could he restrain himself any longer...

Draco let his fingers wander across her face...forehead, eyelids, cheeks …and lips.  
Wet, soft...his index brushed over her upper lip, and she opened her eyes...then he traced the bottom one...  
he licked his lips...and let his finger move slowly inside her mouth...so hot and wet, that his eyes shut.  
Then her tongue on the inner side of his finger...where the skin was delicate...sensitive...and her lips closed around it, and then stroked it...

His mind went a head of him...he imagined...how would it feel...God...his eyes snapped open, he pulled the finger out of her mouth,  
ripped the straps of her nightgown and let it fall to her waist, where it hung trapped between their bodies.  
He slid his palm over her breasts, with his other arm around her waist. He grabbed the back of her thighs and wrapped her legs around his hips.  
Then took her hands and pinned them above her head...and pressed his forehead to hers and said in a low, husky voice...the voice that made her insides melt

'Do you see it...can you see what you do to me...why,... why did you have to come...I can't fight it.'

With her hands still trapped above her head she responded by kissing him.  
He let her tongue pass his teeth; he let her pull on his bottom lip with her teeth.  
He wanted her to bite him again...make him bleed. But she didn't...She let go of his lips and moved to his neck...licked a path to his earlobe...

How could she...how could she make him fall apart so easily...His erection was painful, he never felt the physical pain from wanting any other.

One of his hands slid down to raise the silk up, so that it was wrapped around her waist, and to let his pajama pants slip down to the floor…  
She could feel his finger knowingly enter her, and she let her head fall to his shoulder...

It was not enough. Compared to last night, it was not enough and he knew it wasn't...in the next second she felt him hard, at her entrance...and then he slid inside...She muffled her cry in the skin of his neck, and heard him gasp.

Draco thought his legs would give out... He tried, tried not to moan...but how could he not? It was stronger than he was. It was stronger than anything he ever felt in his life...

His hands got back to hold hers, pressed to the shelf behind, and he twined his fingers through hers, pushing himself up on their joined hands.  
He moved in and out, slow, long thrusts...looking straight into her eyes.

In that moment, Draco Malfoy knew.

He would rather kill her than ever let her leave


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER EIGHT

Hermione curled up on her bed, and squeezed the blanket tighter around her body; it was a warm night...and she was shivering.

She didn't know why. Why again?

After all he had said and done to hurt her...why did she do it again? Why did she give in?

After that painful encounter at the library...after he had left...Hermione walked to the garden. She practically ran...she needed air. Needed to be away from him, that house, and all the memories that it held. It was so hard to breathe. 

She felt a light chill from the early spring air touch her face and bare arms, and fill her lungs.

She walked until the sun set...thinking, contemplating, discussing with herself...crying. 

Alone. So alone and so confused.

Hermione lived isolated from the world in the Malfoy Manor. She knew nothing. Only what he decided to tell her.  
She only knew his truth and he was Malfoy, how could she ever trust him? Nevertheless, Hermione grew suspicious.  
Because...if it was over...if Harry was dead...or missing or captured...then, then the light lost and it just didn't look like it.  
Days were warm and bright...and she...she was alive. Why would Voldemort ever let her live?

Something was wrong. ... she was about to turn back to the manor and confront him again when she saw a ...field...a field of daffodils...

Her name meant daffodil...Narciss...Narcissa...

It was for her...A black marble tombstone in the middle of the yellow field. Silver letters on the tomb read...

"A breath away is not far...to where you are."  
-Draco-

Her stomach contracted...what was this...what, what about Lucius?  
She expected a monument...anything that would show that his beloved father was remembered but there was nothing.  
Just his mother...just her...Where was Lucius' grave?

Hermione rushed back...'a breath away...'

Did he really love his mother that much? Did he love her so much that a thought of taking his life only to get closer to her was a comforting one?  
Is that what kept him going the fact that he could just join her whenever he wanted? When life became too hard to live without her?

He...loved.

Who was he? Who was Draco Malfoy?

Did he...was there...was there a beating heart inside that chest?

Why wasn't she afraid of him? So many times was she in the line of danger from him...but not once afraid...of him?

What, what was that Hermione? Where do you stand? Do you honestly not know who he is? Do you remember Seamus? Remember that emotionless expression on the face you kissed and caressed last night after he killed your friend, Hermione and then looked at you. Do you remember the ice you saw in his eyes?

You at least remember Harry don't you?

Malfoy's cold words echoed in her disturbed mind ' you lost him...and you didn't even get me in return...you only let me fuck you. And I did.'

She pressed her hands to her temples. Threw the covers off... it was that scent again.

She tried to make it go away. Make him go away.

She wanted to show him that it wasn't just that. Just fucking. She wanted to make him regret his words.

She needed him to because she was a wreck. She felt as if there was a hole that went through her and she was bleeding to death...like everything she once was...was just leaking out...She was half-alive; something weakened and crushed. She was drowning and she needed a rock to cling to...even if that rock was Draco Malfoy...she needed him to help her to the surface.

After that, she was ready to drown him.

She saw through him. Hermione felt it. Last night,and this evening, she felt it. He was so careful, so gentle, so opposite of his cold words.   
He was human in those moments. He was warm. There was a soul behind the ice. She was desperate for a soul, a soul to wrap around hers.  
Even for a moment.

When she entered his study earlier this evening she saw pain...pain hung from his broad shoulders...pain smiled on his lips...pain gleamed in his amazing eyes...pain crushed the glass in his hand.

She knew pain.

Well.

She had no trouble recognizing it.

She had trouble fighting it.

He could help...he helped her once...he could help her fight it again...

'Nice explanation Hermione very clever. Why won't you just admit it? Admit that you are attracted to the greatest monster in the world?

It must be hard. To see what you've become. Remember Ron? Remember Harry? You are a breath away from them...where is the courage Hermione? Breathe that last breath. Why don't you? Won't you just look at your face in the mirror? Go on, get up and walk.'

She started to shake her head.

She had to fight to stop her body from walking up to a mirror, because they were no longer one being. Her body and her mind and her soul were no longer one.  
It was as if she watched her feet touch the ground, but she could not stop them. As if her hands were pushing her up from the bed...and she could not control them.

She wanted to close her eyes in front of her reflection. She had to close her eyes but she couldn't and those same eyes filled with tears.

What have you done…Again?

The person in the mirror was filth.

Was a traitor.

Was low.

The person in the mirror was NOTHING.

But, how could she see her if she was nothing?  
Why was she there if she was nothing?

Why won't she disappear...make her disappear.

Her tears spilled silent. 

Why couldn't they wash away the guilt? If they ran so violently, then why, why couldn't they wash her clean...clean of him?

'I'm so sorry...forgive...me...please.' She was pleading in her mind. 'Harry.'

She was asking him to forgive her...to remember that she was his sister that she has loved him and taken care of him.  
She needed him to remember that he loved her back. She was his Hermione. The one he could always count on.

The one that betrayed him, in the worst way she could.

The pain was overwhelming and that disgusting image in the mirror would not go away.

The moon would not stop shining...that evil shade of white…Platinum White.

Silver.

The light exposed her to her own eyes...and she reached for the porcelain vase on the sink counter and threw it into the mirror but it left it intact.

The vase broke. Water spilled everywhere. The flowers reminded her that she was dead inside. Only alive to feel the pain.  
They were white...the flowers...white and innocent, as she was onceA statue of a silver dragon...heavy and smoothly...polished remained in her hands.

She heard a crash. Then realized that she managed to break it, she broke the mirror...but the reflection was still there.

Cuts passed across her face, down to her chest... they disturbed the picture...made it even uglier.  
And Hermione screamed, she screamed as loud as she could  
' GO AWAY...LEAVE...GOOOO...' then whispered, finally letting her spent body sink to the floor. 'Please go, please... forgive me...'' 

She managed to close her eyes.

Then he came in. He came in and reached to touch her.

She could feel it with her eyes closed and she could not let him touch her again. ' Do not touch me. '  
She spat out and her eyes snapped open as she crawled away cutting her hands on broken glass not even noticing, and got up quickly.  
She backed away.

' Which is it, Granger? 'Touch me' or 'don't touch me?' You seem to be forgetting recent events.' He said, smirking.

The broken mirror caught his eye. 'Reparo.'

' Something you saw in that mirror bothered you, Granger? What made you break it? Was there something that would kill him, in the reflection you saw?  
How very foolish for a clever girl you used to be. You cannot make it go away...never. It is written in your eyes; all over your face, it screams from your features...that you are mine now. You belong to Draco Malfoy. The one you hated and fought against...and now, now, you are just dying for him to take you...honestly, if I had known that fucking a mudblood would be like this I would have started long ago. '

With that he reached for her but she used his motion to slap him.

Her palm burned. The air between them burned. He was angry.

He was humiliated.

By a mudblood.

Again.

Good. She wanted him to be mad.

' What is it Malfoy? Are you angry? Stupid mudblood just slapped your precious face...won't you kill me already? Hit me back! No...you won't.… because you can't. I see through you. I'm still the smarter one. Still superior. I remember your words...your weakness...you can't fight it, you can't fight me...remember? I make your blood boil. I make you feel less lonely...I am inside of you, but I don't belong to you...I am not yours...I can't be...because you can't posses something that does not exist.'

He pulled her to him roughly...' You are not my weakness...you are a piece of filth...worthless.' just as violently as he pulled her to him Draco pushed her away, painfully aware of his growing need for her, turned around and walked away slamming and locking the door behind him. 


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER NINE

What now?

Hermione was furious...Just comes and goes...

'How do you feel Hermione?  
Did it ache too much when he pulled you to him...to that body you secretly worship?  
Did the heat burn through your skin again?  
Your mind colapsed again...when you felt him so close.  
Your heart screamed when he didn't kiss you...  
Do you hate him for it?

How is it that the tears he makes you cry make the fire burning wilder?   
Where is the sense in that?

Wont you stop it already? Wont you stop being a coward? Stop being a hypocrite...  
Stop lying...  
ADMIT it...admit that you are not sorry.  
That noone ever made you feel like he did...noone else could.'

The girl in the huge bedroom was sitting on the floor...not realizing that she was crying...pulling her hair...She couldn't hear her own voice that was shouting 'NO!' repeatedly...she couldn't hear it because the voice in her head was louder.

So much louder.

She covered her ears, fiercefully...desperate for silence. But it made no difference.

'Make peace with it Hermione...make peace with yourself...won't you say goodbye to everyone you loved?  
Where are they now...Hm?  
Where?

Say goodbye Hermione...leave them before they leave you. They will...you know they will leave you.  
Because they will see it the moment you reach their eyes...they will see it on your face...just like he did, a moment ago.  
They will see that you belong to him now.

And you are not even sorry for it.  
Are you?  
Honestly?'

Hermione pressed a little button next to her bed.

She was going mad. 

He left her hanging...again... no explanations...  
She was sick of it. Of walking in circles without any sight of a way out. Way out of this mess.

Martha apeared momentarly.

' Ms, I shouldn't be here...'

'Enough. Close the door.'

Martha did... and looked at Hermione waiting for the next command.

'We are going to talk. You and me. I will ask questions, you will respond. I've had enough. Same as you...I believe.'

Martha nodded.

'I want to hear the story...from the begining... Why am I here?'

Woman hesitated...silent. As if she was fighting herself.  
Then decided ' Master tracked you down...after you were captured in the battle. He, he made sure noone gets to you before he did...and especially not...' She looked helpless

Hermione had no patience for this ' Voldemort.'

'Yes...He sent Jack to pick you up...buy you...And get you to the Manor.  
They planed it for some time...he and Jack...that's why the clothes was waiting for you...the room and the books...  
Master took care of it all.'

Hermione looked at her...horrified...confused...curious...angry...'What? Wh...Why?'

'I don't know for sure, Ms'

'WHY? Why did he take me away from my life? Was it a joke? It was, wasn't it? It's hate that motivated his actions,right? As always. ANSWER ME!'

'Tell me it was a game...tell me it was hate...'

'You still don't know him.' Martha said and looked at her.

' Damn you! I don't want to know him...I want him out of my life...I want out. '

' I want him out of my mind...out of me.'

Martha smiled ' Then why don't you act like it?'

Hermione was furious...' So, you think I don't act like it? Why Martha? You judge me by that night...I was not myself that night...' ...and the voice again...laughing in her head... 'Hermione...who are you lying to?'.  
This was heading in a direction that Hermione was not comfortable with. ' Does Voldemort know that I'm here? '

Martha shook her head. Tears began forming in her eyes. They did not go unnoticed.

'Martha please...tell me what is it?'

'It was that night he came back really late...you remember it, don't you...when he was...'

'Bleeding?'

' Yes...he, The Dark Lord knew that you were missing...from the wizarding world...everyone knew...and he... It was because of you...Dark Lord attaced him, because he realized that Master knew something...and was very angry but not strong enough to get into Master's mind...He wanted him to find you and bring you to him...to use you to get Harry Potter. Master...'

Hermione felt weakness taking over her...She could not conect the words that came from Martha's mouth. But she needed her to finish...to say it all.

She'll understand it later.

'Master disobeyed him...and that's why...he...he came back the way he did.'

Hermione felt there was more.

It just hung there between them.

The rest of it...the rest of the truth...' Martha...you're not telling me everything.'

' I can't miss...I really can't.' She got up and headed towards the door.

'Please...I have to know...look at me...please...let me know.'

Martha turned around ' Do you still hate him?'

She asked the question...the question Hermione was so afraid of.

She didn't want to know the answer. Because she was scared that it might be 'no'.

'No.' Came out loud. It left her terrified.

But it made Martha's expression determined. She sat the girl down and got next to her, took a deep breath and started  
' I will tell you all. But you must promise that you won't say a word to him.  
It is a hard truth. The kind that will leave you restless. He must not know that I told you.   
Promise me. '

' I do.'

Martha looked at her once more and said ' That night, Master was healed emediately. He did a strange thin then. He called Jack and told him where Dark Lord is, also weakened from their fight. He told him to go to your friend's house...and say it to him. ' Hermione forgot to breath. She tightened the grip on Martha's arm as the woman continued

' We thought that he was delusional...from the wund and healing and potions...but he was determined. He said that Harry Potter is noble enough not to torture Jack to find out who sent him. And Jack went. He found Mr Potter...and revealed Dark Lord's hiding place to him. Mr Potter did not ask questions. '

Thoughts were rushing through her head. So fast, that she was not able to catch and recognize them all.

Martha continued. ' That was The night...Final battle. ' 

Hermione's eyes filled with tears . It happened...and she was not there to help them. 'No...'

'Then it was...it was the truth...Ron and Harry are ...' She shook her head...tried to shake the words out. Last traces of hope that were still burning in her broken heart ...just died. The voice was silent...

She felt Martha's hands cupping her face, and stilling her head. She made her look at her. Woman smiled before she whispered

' The Light won.'

Before Hermione was capable to process it, Martha added slowly.

'Mr Potter and Mr Weasly...are both alive.'


	10. Chapter 10

CHAPTER TEN

Was it relief?

Happiness?

Joy?

Or was it grief that you felt Hermione?

How will you ever explain yourself to them? Maybe you'll say that you thought they were dead...Maybe you'll say that you didn't know what you were doing because the pain lead you...Maybe you'll say that you saw him changed...Maybe you'll say that you were broken...Maybe you'll say it was a mistake, everyone makes them.

Maybe you'll lie.

Maybe you'll just stay silent.

Because there are no words to justify it.

Why are you crying?

There are no tears to drown the guilt...no tears to materialize the remorse.

Hermione.

It's even harder now, isn't it? Now that you know...The world outside these walls is no longer yours. Did you ever think that a world full of stone, wood, sun, water...grass...people could disappear soooo easily? With a kiss. Did you?

The girl...broken. Left alone...with no one to tell her it will be ok...it will be over one day...With no hope of finding her peace...her strength...Who can she ask for forgiveness?

When they come and see her here, they will be blind for her tears...they will only see their angel, once so pure, now tainted. Their greatest possession, taken away...That's why she won't cry...until they turn their backs to her. Then she would break. Then she would scream. She would die, knowing that she killed them both. She would cry all the tears she had left.

It made no difference that he was the one that revealed Voldemort's hiding place. No difference at all. Because she didn't know it then. That night, he was the same Draco Malfoy that killed Seamus, the same Draco Malfoy that wore the Mark... not the Draco Malfoy who betrayed Voldemort. And to Harry, she will not lie. She couldn't.

Nice to see you admit it. You knew what you were doing. And who with, but it didn't stop you...you let him anyway.

Somehow, it was easier to live in a world where there was no light. Where her friends were dead, her life shattered...It was easier to exist in a world from ten minutes ago. This new world... this new one was ripping her apart.

The happy life they'd fought for was waiting for her outside these walls, and now she will never be a part of it. She will never experience the happiness they'd longed for for so long. She will never be welcome there...never forgiven.

This prison will be her shelter. This is where she'll hide her face ...this is where she'll burry her heart. She can live without it. She has to. Because the pain that was crushing her chest was too much to bare and stay alive.

Hermione made her decision.

When Martha closed the door to Hermione's room, she found her Master waiting for her in the hall...He looked at her and knew. She could tell he knew.

'I'm so sorry, Master...I couldn't stand to watch her like that...anymore. I can't stand to watch you like this anymore. It has to stop ...this...has to stop.'

' So you figured you would help? Merlin himself could not help...he could not fix it, but you figured you could...'

He was calm...but Martha knew him well enough to know that on the inside, there was a storm raging.. She could see the fire burning with anger in his eyes. She deserved it...

' I love you too much to watch you suffer like this...ever since your mother died...'

'SHUT UP!' he yelled and pointed at her...his index finger threatening. That subject was forbidden. She was afraid...but knew he would never hurt her so she continued, ' You have been dying since that day...and I can watch it no longer...'

'I SAID SHUT UP WOMAN!'

' I thought that a young woman in this house would fix you...I thought she would heal you...but she only ruined you more...'

Draco headed towards her, ready to make her silent...but the tears in her eyes made him turn around and walk away...

There was one place he needed to be...only one place that would make it better...

A place he neglected...a place he was afraid of...

He ran to her grave...and when the first daffodils bent under his feet, he slowed down...hesitating...

There in the middle, a black, marble tombstone seemed like a shadow. The moonlight was so bright, and it made the silver letters shine and stab into his heart; it reminded him that she was gone, and he was furious for not being able to bring her back...so furious, so helpless...

Draco let his love and sorrow pull him closer to the stone...closer to her...

He touched the shadow...kneeled down and, with his palms pressing at his closed eyelids, twined his fingers into his hair...

This is where his love was buried...

Here rested the reason he hated sunshine...and his heart shrunk...the air became so heavy that he could not stand to inhale it anymore...

He pressed his forehead to the clod stone in front of him...

She went after him...Martha asked her to...there was something about that place that made her want to come back...

She thought she would confront him...yell and scream at him, but when she arrived, protected in a shadow...she watched him...frozen mid-step.

Hermione never knew that tears on Draco Malfoy's face would ever make him look that beautiful.

AN...review please


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter eleven

Draco entered his bedroom...hours later...exhausted.

He felt it the moment he stepped in...there was someone else inside his room.

She was here. 

In this room.

He walked towards the bed feeling her presence behind him...stoped in front of it, unbuttoned his shirt and took it of...slowly...taking a deep breath he sat down... then she was standing in front of him...keeping the safe distance. She spoke

'I want the truth.'

He just looked at her...'And you think you'll get it?'

No. No more playing games. Hermione was determined to end it tonight. So she ignored his question. She was not in the mood.

'Explain the newspaper...if they are alive...explain to me, why did the Prophet write about Ron's death?'

He laughed...'Aaah...Granger...money can do wonders...' he paused and added... 'It was just that one piece...one copy...I had it arranged.'

'So you could hurt me? All that...just to hurt me?' she asked.

He just looked at her. And nodded...'Yes, all that to hurt you all.'

She didn't really expect him to confess that easily.

Let him know he hurt you Hermione...even though he's aware of it...vocalize your pain...verbalize...let him hear you. Let him hear what he's done...

'Since the first day...I knew you hated me...I knew you hated me more than anything...but this game...this...' she stopped, wanting him to look at her.

'Do you know how strong this... pain is that it is still growing inside me? Can you comprehend it? So powerful that it is killing everything else...but I guess that's what you wanted...so...I congratulate you...Malfoy...you truly are your father's son. ' 

With that she turned to leave...but he spoke...the words that she didn't want to hear...

' I do know. The pain...and it was that same father of which you speak that made me go through it too. So I guess you have the right to say that I'm like him...' He got up and walked towards her.

Hermione needed him to stop. Needed him to stay away...

Wanted him to get closer.

He stopped near Hermione...out of reach...do you think he knows what he's doing to you? Do you think he knows that you are aching for his touch...right now...? How is it that he can make you ache? With his voice, Hermione...the sound of his voice makes you tremble.

'But if I am...then why...why did you come to me? Hmm? Spare me those lame excuses like 'I had no choice, It was a mistake', and so on...Granger, you wanted me...once, then once more...and now, your body wants me again...It must be hard for you...since I am the man my father used to be...Was it a turn on for a Gryffindor Princess, for the light angel...to know that she was giving herself to a son of Lucifer ...willingly, in the place that comes closest to Hell on Earth?'

' Damn you...you...'

'What...say it. Damn me? What for, Granger? For making you feel good? For making you feel alive, after all the horror you saw and lived in? '

' For taking them away from me... For playing with my mind...for making me believe that I lost them both.'

He just looked at her. 'Oh, but you did lose them...and you will never get them back...after what you've done...'

'...are you happy now? Here, you have it all...you've got what you wanted. I'm alone, as are you. You have me destroyed. I admit it...now, to you. You've won...but there is one thought that comforts me...'

He laughed. Made her feel so small.

'Let me guess...You think I will rot in Azkaban...how stupid do you think I am? There is no evidence against me...I even wasn't a part of the Final Battle. '

'But I saw you...killing Seamus.'

'So you're willing to risk the entire wizarding world finding out about ...us...?'

In that moment Hermione hated him. Loathed him. That smile that was making fun of her again...humiliating her again...Her hand shot up to slap him. But this time he was faster...caught it and slammed it to the wall behind...pressing on her body with his.

And yes...it felt so good.

So right.

She needed him to go further...to do anything...everything...to make her surrender...

'Do not think that you will ever get away with that ...again.' He spat out.

And walked away.

Turned his back at her.

Scream Hermione...make him come back...

'What do you want from me? Why do you keep torturing me? I can't...' Her voice gave out...

...Play his game Hermione. Use his weakness...

'I saw you earlier...at her grave.'

He turned to face her ...with his jaw clenched.

'I saw your tears...'

She was doing this to push him over the edge. To make him react. And he knew it.

'I saw the letters... those words...' She paused as if she wanted to say something else, but changed her mind...Hermione looked at him and asked 'Who are you?'

He remained silent, shortly...before asking quietly, 'Who do you want me to be?', giving her full view into his soul...through those damn silver eyes...she froze.

A boy...a man...just...too beautiful, too perfect, too distant, and yet so close. He looked strong and tired...and yet...He was still too much...too much for her to take...and then again...he was not enough. Never enough.

She walked to him. And he drank her in...he took it all in...everything...her skin...curls, curves...lips...even though he knew it all too well...Draco just leaned back and looked...looked at this ...goddess...while in the same breath admitting for the first time...that she was the reason...she was always the reason. For everything. That he was the broken one. Not her.

He reached out and pulled her closer...so slowly that she thought she would burst into flames from his touch...from his eyes...it felt like she'd been thirsty for ages, and here in front of her...water was asking to be tasted...

Water poisoned...

Draco's mind was racing him again...since the moment he came into this room and felt her here. It started aching...from that very second...and he could not explain it to himself...Merlin, he tried...to find a logical explanation for the things she did to him...just by standing in the same room.

Tried not to look at her...cause he knew what the result would be.

Tried not to listen to her.

Tried so desperately not to touch her.

But she would not stop. She would not shut up. She would not stay away. 

And when she mentioned the grave...it was all still too fresh. The wound was still open...and he could not find the words to stop her. He could not find the way to shut her up.

He could not find the strength to fight her anymore.

He could only give in...he could only reach for her...because that's what his mind, his body was telling him to do.

His soul .

The soul that needed to reveal itself. Needed to show the scars...

So many scars.

Then let her judge. Let her laugh, or cry...let her glare...let her do anything she wants...just keep her...keep her here.

And she just stood there...beautiful as always. Unreal.

Fairy.

In his eyes...still so pure. He then understood that he couldn't taint her...because she was above it all...and he, realized her love that would always remain white, was on some other level. The one that he would never be able to touch.

He reached out to touch the body.

A little piece of her mind was still fighting her body...and she shook her head lightly...whispering, hoping he wouldn't listen...'no...don't' ...

His fingers went to her waist, as he sat down on the bed...with her standing in front of him. He found the delicate satin string that was keeping her robe from opening.

He untied it, slowly...and she closed her eyes...repeating 'please...don't...' he guided her down, to him...made her straddle his lap, placed his hands on her hips...pulled her closer slowly.

Her body obeyed...but her mind still resisted...her mind still begged her body not to give in...

Not again.

Not this way.

Not with both their hearts open.

But the body was daft...

For everything except his touch...

And he leaned in.

Closer.

Brushed his lips over her collar bone and whispered...she almost didn't hear him...but read the words breathed into her skin, 'Don't...don't fight it.'

As if she could. 

How good does it feel to have his arms around you Hermione? So good it hurts? This is where you decided to be...where you decided to stay...once more...

How is it that only a touch, a touch that once killed everything inside you, is the one thing that can make you feel alive?

So...all your logic and reason...he trashed it all with a touch...with a breath...

Were you always this weak?

Or is it him?

Is Draco Malfoy what makes you lose your mind?

Hermione shook her head...shook her head to the voice on the inside. And Draco placed his palms on both sides of her head...made her stop...made her look at him...and the shaking started on the inside...

Hermione knew...she knew what was coming up...and she was delighted and frightened.

Again. 

With the slightest effort he lowered her face to his...made her whole body come closer to his chest...and she felt him hard against her thigh...it sent a tremor through her body ...and she closed her eyes...tried to block it all out...but the same rhythm of air that hit her skin earlier was now assaulting her lips ' don't...fight it.'

Her eyes snapped open...her head still in his hands 'please...'

I can't ,she wanted to add...but her voice betrayed her...her body betrayed her...body that was already wrapped up in the pleasure it knew was coming...Mind was still hesitating ,terrified of facing the pain that would surely follow. ' please...I...I can't...'

I can't go on like this, she wanted to say. I can't be meaningless...to you...anymore...I'm scared, she wanted to say...terrified that maybe this means nothing...to you. I can't be nothing anymore, she wanted to say.

And with one look into her eyes, Draco read it all... he saw a girl that seemed so helpless...so weak...and suddenly all he wanted to do was to protect her... to reassure her...to make her see that she was so far from nothing...that she'd become everything...everything that mattered...

'I won't hurt you again.' Came out before he could stop himself...and he pulled her down to his lips.

And they kissed again.

They kissed for the first time.

Like this.

With both their hearts open.

And it hurt. The kiss hurt.

His palms traveled from her head down to her shoulders...stopped at her sides...and he pushed her away a bit. To look at what was his.

He kissed the neck...the breasts.

And her head fell back...she pressed her palms back at his spread knees...She needed air...and the quickened rise and fall of her chest made him mad...mad with desire...need...made his palms slide down her moist skin...down to her waist...

And Hermione felt his fingers digging into her flesh...she felt them pressing into her hip bone so hard that she thought they would melt the skin...and then she felt those amazing fingers working their way into her body...

Her palms went from his knees to his back...her lips sought out his throat...then his earlobe...his jaw...then his lips. 

Nails scratched their way down his bare back...ruining the perfect texture of his skin...She started to rock against his fingers...moaned into his mouth...reached between their overheated bodies and wrapped her fingers around his aching penis...and the touch, her first touch made the pain in his groin stronger.

Draco thought he wouldn't make it...he wanted her so badly...He needed her to show him...needed to look into her eyes, needed to see it on her face.

Needed to be sure...that she knew what this was...needed her so desperately not to regret it this time.

And he heard her whisper between his kisses...he was sure he heard her say it...she said 'Draco...'  
She said 'Draco...I need you.' 

He laid her down...on his sheets...with his tongue still feasting on the sweetness left in her mouth after she'd uttered those words.

He was on top of her...with his fingers still buried inside her...bringing her closer, building the tension...but the words that were moaned from her mouth through their joined lips made him lose his composure. She said  
'please...now...'

A passion stronger than life led him inside of her hot body...  
and the look in her eyes brought him a bliss that he had not known still existed...

He got his answers...the ones he hoped for. She handed them out...when she chose to keep her eyes open. But he was unprepared and his shields fell down too.

In that moment steel, gray eyes melted the ice cold fear. Fear of being nothing. To him


End file.
